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The Last Confession of J.S. McCain
By Matthew C. Scheck | September 5, 2008
Was that an acceptance speech last night or a confession to the American people? Are we John’s confessors?
“Bless me, America, for I have sinned. This is my last confession to the American people, my ‘Hail Mary’ if you will.
I’m sorry, America, that President what’s-his-face and his pack of mendacious and venal Republicans have screwed everything up. And everything really IS screwed up, so pay no mind to what my buddy Phil Gramm and all the other babbling idiots at my party’s convention are saying, that things are hunky-dory out there in America and everyone is just whining. I am sorry about how we mislead America into invading and occupying Iraq, and then screwed up the occupation by not sending in the troop levels that General Eric Shinseki, the Army Chief of Staff, thought were needed, mainly because the Republican appointee, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, thought he was smarter than those pussy generals like General Shinseki and that he, Donald Rumsfeld, could wage the war and occupation on the cheap.
I am sorry that the occupation plan put forward by the State Department was thrown into the trash can by Secretary Rumsfeld, I’m sorry that he and his neocon minions basically winged it for four years until the Generals wrested control of the war and occupation effort from these insane neocon political appointees and brought it back into their hands, then miraculously fixed the gigantic, awful, bloody, pointlessly shitty mess that Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, and Feith—who were no longer at the Pentagon—had left in their wake with their flippant disregard for reason, facts, and common sense.
I’m sorry our President, what’s-his-face, was strumming a guitar and smirking while New Orleans drowned and his buddy Brownie was doing a heckofa job. I’m sorry Speaker of the House Tom Delay and his asshole buddy, lobbyist Jack Abramoff, took the meaning of the words “government” and “corruption” to all-time lows. I am sorry President what’s-his-face’s tax cuts for the wealthy didn’t trickle down to the working class and poor, and in fact they are earning less in 2008 in real wages than in 2001. I am sorry our tax cuts sucked up the federal surplus that Clinton left us and we’re holding IOUs to China for our huge deficit. I am sorry we deregulated the marketplace and now everything has turned to shit in the marketplace.
I am sorry my party has been in denial about global warming despite the overwhelming scientific evidence proving it. I am sorry my party has been sucking at the teat of big oil instead of finding alternative energy sources. I am sorry my party has been taken over by white, ultra-conservative religious fanatics and only 35 African-Americans—less than 2% of all attendees—showed up for our national convention as delegates. I am sorry I sold my soul and sucked up to these religious fanatics and corrupt scumbags and incompetent Republican leaders that have divided America with their vicious ‘cultural war, ‘war of ideas,’ and hypocritical call for ‘moral values.’ I am sorry we sneered at anti-war citizens and questioned the patriotism of the war’s critics, despite the fact the criticism was valid and true.
I am sorry the War on Terror turned into a terrible war, I am sorry the economy has tanked and millions of Americans are struggling to stay afloat financially, and I am very sorry the country is so divided and people are so hateful towards each other because my party promotes that divisive hatred with reckless abandon.
I am not that kind of Republican. I swear to you. So elect me, a Republican maverick and really not a Republican at all, to be the next Republican President of the United States of America. Because, once upon a time, a LONG time ago, I used to be a decent human being with a soul and I hated those rat bastard Republicans too. My ambition blinded me and I violated every lofty principle I ever held to make nice with the agents of intolerance, corrupt fat cats, and crazy religious and ideological maniacs who took over my party.
I don’t really have a plan to fix this mess that my fellow Republicans have made, but please trust me, believe me this time, when I say I will try to fix it all.
Oh, and did I mention I was a POW in Vietnam?
God bless you all. And don’t vote for that uppity black fellow, vote for me.
Your faithful servant—and did I mention I was a POW in Vietnam?—John Sidney McCain, ex-POW.”
Topics: Culture |
September 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
If you vote Republican you are either really rich or really, really, really hopelessly ill-informed and clueless (or a religious fantatic which means you are an idiot by definition).
September 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
So LB, I guess that would almost be me. Should I be insulted? Nah! You think I am a rich religious fanatic idiot!! Woo-hoo! But I am not rich, nor do I believe ill-informed,or a fanatically religious idiot. None of the above.
However, I am a conservative thinker, who doesn’t believe in John McCain.
I could say the same thing only about democrats: Anyone who votes for Barack Obama must be an ill-informed, clueless, atheist idiot. Ouch. But I’m sure you’re not smarting. You don’t really care about my opinion. I’ll give it to you anyway. I don’t believe in anything that Barack Obama has said or promised to the people who need healthcare, lowered taxes, better places to habitate, economic hope. Nope. He has changed his position on many things. And, any idiot(sorry) who is running for President of the US should not be in a pissing match with the VP nominee’s C.vitae of the other party. Sounds like he’s slightly intimidated to be doing that. You wnat that guy leadihg, more power to ya.
Would you believe me if I told you I went into the southside of Chicago(Obama’s former district) and chatted with few residents there? The ones who hang out on the street and carry guns for safety? The kids who don’t go to school, or work but wear jeans that cost enough money to pay for my gas for three weeks…? There’s a lack of anything new going on there, change, I mean. Only 5 people would actually talk to me. All five were of the darker full blooded black persuasion. Nope, surprise, not dissed because I was a whitey. Imagine the tolerance!! None of them would vote Obama. “Just because he claims to be for me, don’t mean he delivers the goods. I been here all along.” Fairly telling. And what the kid meant was, obviously, he got nothing from the promises of the Community Organizer. I did it because I have nobody to vote for. I needed clarification. I got it, but I am still stuck. Neither candidate impresses me.
September 11th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Mat- For someone who was so tired of all the name calling and bs of politics, you sure are letting it rip! Care to do the other side about Obama’s and the dems promises, failures and the like? Just curious…Cause, you know, nobody is without warts.