Heroes of the Alt Right

Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, aka Fat Fuck Numero Uno

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  • Invented the bloviating, right-wing gasbag asshole media and helped popularize “white male hate” as a political movement.
  • Extreme militarist who was unfit for military service during the Vietnam War due to a pilonidal cyst, otherwise known as an ingrown hair follicle on his fat fucking ass. How perfectly appropriate, eh?
  • Mocked teenaged Chelsea Clinton in 1992 as “The White House dog.” Har, har, har, fatso. Called Amy Carter “…the most unattractive presidential daughter in the history of the country.”
  • On women and feminism: “I have long told you, for example, Undeniable Truth of Life No. 24, written back in 1987: Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.” This from a morbidly obese, ugly sagging cock sack of a man.
  • Degenerate drug addict who for years cheered on the War on Drugs as long as only blacks and hispanics were being convicted.
  • Married four times. Charming. Wink-wink, and all four married him for his handsome looks, amazing charm, fabulously sexy body, and huge, throbbing, insatiably hard cock. Right?
  • Taunted Michael J. Fox for “faking” his Parkinson’s disease symptoms. Thus spake Fatty: “He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He’s moving all around and shaking and it’s purely an act…This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn’t take his medication or he’s acting.” Jeez what an asshole. Seriously.
  • Praised Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s assassin. Thus spake Fatty: “You know who deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor? James Earl Ray . We miss you, James. Godspeed.”

Rush Limbaugh: Chickenhawk, junkie, racist, homophobe, sexist, and, frankly a despicable creep who would stoop so low as to taunt and demean the children of two US Presidents. The Hermann Böring of right-wing fascists.

 

Andrew James Breitbart, aka Still Very Dead Asshole

  • Never served in the military (duh). Sure, serving in military uniform is not a prerequisite for being a patriot or nationalist, but, holy shit, some of you cunts like Dandy Andy could have gotten off your fat asses and enlisted instead of rabidly cheering for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan from your gaming recliners. Then some of you conveniently retracted your furiously fist-bumping cheerleading when it was obvious both wars yielded zero contribution to US national security. Meanwhile over 4,000 KIA and 37,000 WIA of your American peers who did fight these wars suffer the immense indignity of the Tea Part fanatics Andy and his cunt followers helped get elected to Congress deny helping Veterans and their families because, you know, the Koch Brothers—two more festering cunts who never served in uniform but loooooove America!—think taxation is theft and pay out the wazoo funding think tanks and compost heaps like breitbart.com to do their sleazy groundwork.
  • Founding Father of this so-called “Alt Right” movement, essentially a gaggle of hyperventilating, ultra-fanatical, batshit crazy right-wing assholes famous for their penchant for shamelessly vicious and utterly specious character assassination and slander, ragingly knuckle-dragging sexism, racism, and homophobia, extreme faux-masculine narcissism (laughably so), a bunch of douchebags who would love to have joined the Nazi SS except they’re far too effete and cunty despite all the steroids, HCG, Viagra, and endless hours at MMA training dojos and gun ranges. None, like King Cuntface above, ever served—or will serve— in the military though they all masturbate wildly to war images, old episodes of 24, and Jack Reacher flicks, moreover they feel no hypocrisy while impugning the patriotism of others.
  • He’s dead, so dancing on his grave is kind of icky, but he was such a vile fucking asshole I don’t mind pissing on his grave instead. Maybe even taking a huge steamy dump too.

Andrew Breitbart: Dead right-wing asshole. Enough said about that twat.

 

Stephen K. Bannon aka Kingpin Fat Bastard of the Alt Right

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  • Wife beater. “In 1996 he was charged by the Santa Monica, CA District Attorney’s office for misdemeanor domestic violence, battery, and dissuading a witness after a violent confrontation with his then third wife who divorced him soon afterwards. On Aug. 12, 1996, the case was transferred to a different court, and was called for trial. According to the court records, however, the ‘victim/witness’ was ‘unable to be located.’ As a result, the judge ordered the case dismissed.”
  • Anti-Semite and white supremacist. “Under Bannon’s Leadership, Breitbart News Openly Embraced The White Supremacist Alt-Right. Andrew Breitbart despised racism. Truly despised it. He used to brag regularly about helping to integrate his fraternity at Tulane University. He insisted that racial stories be treated with special care to avoid even the whiff of racism. With Bannon embracing Trump, all that changed. Now Breitbart News has become the alt-right go-to website, with Milo Yiannopoulos pushing white ethno-nationalism as a legitimate response to political correctness, and the comment section turning into a cesspool for white supremacist meme makers.” “In his roles as editor of the Breitbart website and as a strategist in the Trump campaign, Mr. Bannon was responsible for the advancement of ideologies antithetical to our nation, including anti-Semitism, misogyny, racism and Islamophobia,” said Rabbi Jonah Dov Pesner, the director of the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism. “There should be no place for such views in the White House.”
  • Homophobe. “A 2011 radio interview surfaced in which Mr. Bannon praised Ann Coulter, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin by saying they were not “a bunch of dykes that came from the Seven Sisters schools up in New England.”

Stephen K. Bannon: Fat, bloated, wife-beating, racist, homophobic, fascist pig. Ass clown. Creep. Cunt. Upside: at least fatty served in the military as a naval officer, which is lipstick on an otherwise turd.

 

Milo Yiannopoulos, Raging Queen of the Alt Right Jungle

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  • Couldn’t win a fist fight with Betty White, but he’d Twitter-bomb your ass, mutherfuckaaaaahhh—if he weren’t banned from it. Internet macho is sooooo scary, flame on, bitchezzzz. I lie awake at night terrified I’m the subject of a meanie Reddit character assasination thread. I just peed myself imagining it. Then again, Reddit and 4chan are for dull, intellectually lazy douchebags who argue relentlessly about “important” issues like how fedoras make dudes who wear them look gay/douchie/creepy/sad (pick your pejorative), ergo I don’t surf either.
  • He’s militantly gay! Oh, SNAP! Good for him, and bravo! Begs the question: a vast number of the Rust Belt folks who voted for Milo’s sugar daddy, Donald Trump, are insanely fanatical Evangelical Christian wack-jobs who think God really fah-showah hates fags and they’d love all “pervert homos” to perish in a holy, cleansing bonfire accelerated by all those faggy metrosexual grooming chemicals they imagine gays stockpile. They’d pray for your soul, Milo, as they draw and quarter you (KINKY!!!!) then fling you into their holy bonfire. Nice political allies you have. Sure, some far-left, fanatical, crusty dumpster-diving Berniebots smell awful and might steal my weed stash, but they’re essentially harmless. The left’s radical far left is considerably less scary than those gun-toting crackers itching to experience their own encounter with their personal Trayvon.
  • But, hey, let’s not split hairs, Milo, honey. Liberal straights like me live in or around urban gayborhoods and stood by our gay and lesbian friends fighting for their rights against the batshit crazy homophobic right wing religious freakazoids that wish gays and lezzies and trannies dead, let alone agreeing to their inalienable rights as citizens of the fascist theocratic state Preacher Fred D. Barffo promises them. You and I might disagree about the size and function of government, or tax policies, or whatever other political horseshit about which we would never find common ground, but, really, seriously, I don’t hate you because you suck cock or wish you dead because of it, moreover, though I think you’re a despicable and creepy, right-wing ass clown, if we were strolling together and a crowd of pro-Trump rednecks tried to lynch you for being a “gawd dayum quee-yer,” I’d fuck them up Jack Reacher style even though you’re a shitheel. Really. I come from the 2×4-weilding, pro-labor, muscular wing of liberalism, bro. I’m Eugene V. Debs with serious close-quarter combat skills and extensive military training with small arms.
  • Nothing you say is going to piss me off, cutie, because over-the-top provocateurs like you are fucking lame attention whores. Oh, you’re sooooo controversial! Provoke me, baby, you naughty little potty-mouthed instigator! The more uncivil and boorish you become, the more I’d just want to give you a big old sloppy kiss, you Bond villain of the intertubes’ right-wing mean girls, Ernst Stavro Blowjob.
  • Isn’t even a US citizen? Go back to Bulgaria, girlfriend. Oh, you’re a Brit? Same thing after Brexit takes shape.

Milo Yiannopoulos: The Kim Kardashian of the Alt Right, vapid, boorish, vainglorious, sure, but monumentally inconsequential to substantive public discourse. Go rile up the more ridiculously hyperventilating Bernie supporters who are as equally silly as you. Leave real discussion to the adults, you adorable little rabble rouser. I just want to pinch your perfect ass cheeks with every super-meanie pejorative and logical fallacy you’d fling at me.

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